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Being Single Again
(After His Cheating in a Marriage)

You once thought that cheating in a marriage was something only other women’s husbands did. Then, it happened to you. You never expected to be single again, but here you are. How to decide if you’re ready for dating—or not.

Sure, you’ve now moved on from the marriage. But his infidelity is almost certain to have left you with a mixed bag of emotions about dating again. Self-doubt? Suspicion? Loneliness? A budding desire for love—but an unshakeable fear of it at the same time. Now you’re wondering:

“Will I ever be able to trust my judgment about men and go after a loving relationship again?”

Believe me, you CAN pursue love again (and triumph at it). But, when’s the right time for YOU to begin?

First, consider the following “caution signs” from Alex Wise, a relationship coach and CEO of dating site. If any apply to you, hold off awhile before getting back into the dating game.

1. Your marriage ended recently

Typically, the longer the relationship, the longer your post-breakup recovery.  Even if it was you who wanted to end it after his cheating.

You were in a marriage and it’s essential that you have ample time to grieve your loss. And, to figure out who you are and what you want for your life’s next chapter.

Your Need: Time.

There is NO “one-size-fits-all” wait-period.  Hold off on dating for as long as it takes YOU to “reset” yourself. The goal is to feel more like a self-sufficient single woman than a traumatized married one.

That means first getting life on your own solidly established. Developing a new relationship is healthiest when you can offer a fully-formed new you, not one still “under construction.”

2. Resentment, regret or revenge (still) consume you

If your hurt and anger with your ex remain intense—or if you still can’t help viewing men with skepticism and mistrust—you won’t succeed at serious-minded dating.

Love calls for you to open yourself up to another person and to risk having big hopes for the relationship. That won’t happen until you’re healed enough to remove your ex and his cheating—particularly in a marriage—from the forefront of your attention.

Your Need: Time plus work.

Sure, the cheating is now in your past. But a marriage ending with betrayal is still devastating. Your residual anger is understandable.

But if, over time, your rage or depression hasn’t downgraded to a distant memory, you’re stuck in a “toxic” place.

I urge you to get professional help. Often, with counseling you work through pain and resentment faster and better than going it alone. And, a skilled therapist can help you rally all your support resources to move on emotionally intact.

3. What happened in your marriage “makes NO sense” to you

Even if your divorce was years ago, it’s crucial that you understand all the factors that led to it. If you aren’t clear on what went wrong, what can you do to keep it from happening again?

Your Need: Insight and honesty.

It’s easy to say, “He messed up, I didn’t.” Typically, however, the victimized one in a “cheating in a marriage” drama, has also contributed in at least two ways:

(a.) What you did/didn’t do during the relationship: e.g. inattentiveness, poor communication, “enabling,” denial, etc.
(b.) Who you chose for a mate.

The good news: you have the ability to control these two factors next time — IF you learn from the last time.

4. Your self-confidence is nearly non-existent

Being deceived by someone you once believed loved you, brutalizes your self-esteem. To avoid more pain, you opt to settle into permanent “not-ready-yet” paralysis, OR to fast-track into a new relationship with a subpar guy who’s not worthy of you.

Your Need: Courage

Getting back your self-confidence—and finding new love—eventually will require you to take risks and take action. Even if it makes you feel somewhat off-balance.

Yes, be tender and patient with yourself. After all, dating again when there’s been cheating in a marriage can trigger your biggest fear: getting “played” and humiliated—all over again.

But staying eternally in “safe-mode” will keep you from ever connecting with an incredible man who’ll be committed to you —and only you— forever. If you’re stressing about potentially making a fool of yourself, don’t worry. Those feelings are completely normal.

I’d be honored to personally advise you on how to you ease into meeting men and testing the dating process (at your own pace). It’ll take us only 60 minutes on the phone together.


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